bfn = relief (aka no life after the amazing tectonic baby)

No fluff here today, people. Just dark badness so avert your eyes. Move on to the previous or next for more fluffy stuff. Tonight is the time to be lost and flailing around these parts.

Even though it would be a somewhat immaculate conception, I actually went ahead and peed on a stick tonight to be sure that I’d get a big fat negative. When only one pink line was present after 5 minutes, the flow of relief made me realize just how filled with panic I’d been. I had two “normal” periods while I was pregnant so I didn’t even suspect that I was pregnant. I actually went to the doctor because I felt that my body was going insane, and I really was getting worried that I had a thyroid problem or breast cancer or serious mental illness. I spent so mcuh time on the phone with my mom bemoaning my broken body. Ironic when I look back on it. The extremely brief resulting story is that I received the “happy news” that I was finally pregnant while nearing shock in the ER, and needed surgery to remove an ectopic (The Eclectic Electric Tectonic Baby), and, well, the extended and rest of that story isn’t so good for me to tell right now. Later. Much much later. It’s been too short of time and the wound is still gaping and raw. So, later.

The relief after the pink line is a pretty huge sign to me that I’m not ready. I’m not ready to be done grieving and really have to stop suppressing the grief, which became pretty freaking obvious after completely humiliating myself on Sunday with a 14 decibel agonizing breakdown during the baking swap. Yeah, that’s me and the Amazing Afternoon Breakdown. Scared me and I left without those yummy cookies because I needed to get the hell out of there so you can add “shunned” to the list of self descriptive “devastated, fearful, lost, grieving” wordies that I’m piling on my plate these days. I’m also not ready for the “what-ifs” – the King ObGyn gave me 30% as the chance that this will happen again should we get pregnant. Since my glass is half empty, that’s a 1 in 3 chance that I’ll end up with a wee soul that will again be removed surgically so that I don’t become a maternal death statistic. Lemme repeat because I hate it so much- next time, that’s 1 in 3 that I might lose the baby, my fallopian tube, my life – and if the test tonight had yielded two pink lines, I’m sure my sanity would be the first out the door anyway.

Shitty luck. Really shitty luck.

No one wants to be reminded that this could happen to them. No one wants to think about dead babies or pregnancies that aren’t glorious. No one wants to deal with my screaming pouring wounds that I just can’t seem to heal yet. No one wants to deal with grief, anger, pain in such a raw form. It’s just a numbers game (“just try again!”) to them with no emotion, so here’s my numbers:

57 days since I went to the doctor because I was sick and scared I had thyroid problems or breast cancer. He told me I had seasonal depression, to exercise every 12 hours and come back in 6 weeks.
44 days since I got another opinion from a different doctor because a 3 week period just can’t be a sign of depression… That doctor sent me to emergency ultrasound and bloodwork.
43 days since we found out we were quite pregnant but it “wasn’t looking good” due to the bleeding and pain.
39 days since the pregnancy was surgically ended.
38 days since I found out that they hadn’t removed my fallopian tube (still paranoid they did, but the surgeon did verify with J, so should be safe, right???).
16 days since I ran out of codeine.
11 horror stories about friends or family of aquaintances who had it “worse”. No such thing, peeps – I mean, if I broke your arm, but told you you were lucky because my friend broke both their legs, what the hell reaction would you have? Does it make your pain less?
5 days since I tried to attend the candle-light vigil for pregnancy loss and couldn’t make it through the door.
3 days since I met with the pregnancy loss counsellor. She rocks.
2 friends with similar stories that we can’t share.
3 physical incisions that are healing.
3 different anti-inflammatories tried before I just gave up and decided to let the physical pain take my mind off the emotional.
2 days since I went back to work full time.
3 weeks until I try to attend the support group for “people like me” and hopefully I can make it through the door this time.
4 weeks until I check in with the pregnancy loss counsellor again. Unless I need her which I just might.
5 months until the cremation and spreading of ashes.
6 months until we would have been parents.

“good” reading – I turn to books when I need information or guidance or preparation and I try to get as many as my arms can hold and devour them. The bookstores nor the library have much of a supply of pregnancy loss books which makes me think that either a) there’s so many of us that there’s not enough supply to meet demand, or b) it’s taboo to have resources available for something that no one wants to talk about. Maybe I’ll look for a book on anal warts and have better luck? The library yielded one book, and I found greatest success at the used book stores and scored 3 in one day. When (if?) I’m through with them, I’ll donate them to the library and hope they get no use whatsoever.

  • Unspeakable Losses -Kim Kluger-bell (library find)
    This is the first book I found and read after getting out of the hospital, and it prepared me for the flood to come. She interviewed hundreds of women after she couldn’t find any books to give her comfort, and wrote so that we could benefit.
  • A Silent Sorrow; Pregnancy Loss– Guidance and Support for You and Your Family – Ingrid Kohn, Perry-Lynn Moffitt and Isabelle Wilkins
    These people make my heart hurt a bit less with sections on different types of loss (including ectopic), dealing with friends and family (especially the comments that are meant to offer condolences but instead make it all worse), hell, this book has everything. Just buy it or send them money.
  • Help, Comfort, and Hope after Losing Your Baby in the Pregnancy or First Year – Hannah Lothrop
    I just started this one and it’s not chapterized so I am reading from front to back. She suggests lots of relieving ways to help work through grief and to take breaks in healthy ways.
  • Pregnancy After A Loss Carol Lanham
    I’m so optimistic. Bought this, read about 7 pages and hurled it across the room. It’s still there for when I need it.

Good lord I’m ranty. I’m angry and helpful and bawling and just… not right. Work in 6 hours so I’d better try to get some sleep.

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5 thoughts on “bfn = relief (aka no life after the amazing tectonic baby)

  1. gypsyhick, i hate finding words for this. it sucks the life right out of you. i’m glad you found relief today, but i know that relief is a drop in the bucket of what’s needed. and it is itself painful to find yourself taking comfort in what in other times would be a crushing blow. what kind of pain are we in when our comfort comes in the form of loss, when relief is simply the experiencing of a less painful loss?

    you’re pretty awesome for being helpful in times like this, even if it makes you feel ranty. For a lot of people, it may seem like there’s no light at the end of a tunnel, but it’s words like yours that act like skylights along the way.

  2. The loss of a pregancy/baby/child is something that stays with you forever. You keep writing; I’ll keep reading, and someday when you’re around here or I’m around there, we’ll go out for a drink and not even have to talk about it.

    Keep on, keep on, keep on.

    All things ebb and flow and rise and sink and in the middle, there is calm.

  3. I hadn’t realized this was why you were staying home… you have my condolences. I’ve had two pregnancy losses, one in 1998 and one in 2003. What I can tell you is, your brain keeps a mental catalog of dates and feelings and hurts, but that over time it fades and blunts at the edges… so that now I can’t remember the precise due date of that first pregnancy, and I don’t remember how cold the wall of the bathroom stall was, where I went to cry because my OB had informed me at work that I was losing the pregnancy. It fades.

    And in the meantime, boy does that sort of knowledge bring out the stupid in those around you. I’m still amazed at the things that came out of some people’s mouths.

    Hang in there… if it helps at all, I found a LOT of solace in some of the message boards over at iVillage… no, I don’t work for the website… but having a group of women going through the same experience at the same time was priceless. And then to have those women share along in my subsequent pregnancy with my son… well, we’re still in touch, now, 8-10 of us. Three years after that bfp.

    Be gentle with yourself, you deserve it. Merry Christmas…

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