Is it over? (calendar ruffling)
Phew. That was a long one, it was.
You might think that this year’s sudden phobia of October is unrealistic, irrational and just plain silly but I don’t really care. Screw you, naysayers! I hunkered down with wool and clay (not together), watched a whole lot of America’s Next Top Model , boycotted most of the internet and walked the dog in beautiful off leash parks throughout the city. It was a quiet existence, overwhelmed by a fear of the early morning ringing phone and any physical symptoms that would lead to The End Of It All.
The first week was the overwhelming suspicion of pregnancy and the fear of loss which quickly migrated to the anxiety of a possible Crohn’s flare up and the fear of the removal of all of my intestines which quickly migrated to a solid reminder that I just really needed to stop eating so much sugary fatty crap. My guts calmed down but my mind remained a spinning anxious puddle of superstition. I spent late afternoons guiding The Dog through beautiful displays of autumn foliage and open fields trying to calm my mind and convince myself that All Is Right In The World. I read mindless novels and Buddhist sutras. I knit. I threw clay and created some lovely pieces. I organized our recycling closet. I played online games with The Husband. I did all this while walking on eggshells, watching over my shoulder and staying close to home. I made lists of things that would have to be done when October came to pass, often doubting that I’d make it to November.
The hiding must have worked because here we are, in one piece and feeling much relieved that October has come and gone with only a couple problems. No one died. Yes, me hiding and the resultant peace and harmony in the world does too have a cause-effect relationship, right? We didn’t escape completely unscathed, one person I love dearly has been put on organ transplant waiting list (and if anyone has a half a liver they’re willing to part with, call me, k?) and it’s mind boggling. My brother did have surgery on another appendage which is painful and cast-causing, however I don’t count it as overly tragic since he undergoes appendage surgeries like I have abdominal surgeries (that would be “lots”). We’re really two nuts from the same tree, on first name basis with x-ray technicians and surgeons.
Actually, I guess I should be afeared of other months rather than put all the blame on our friend October. Truly, the two car accidents I’ve been in, my diagnosis of Crohn’s, my appendectomy, The Husband’s industrial accident, the loss of the Amazing Tectonic Baby, the death of my brother-in-law – none of these occurred in October. Very few deaths happen in October, and in fact, very very happy things happen in October such as 2006’s gift of the birth of little T, the Enthusiastic Adorable Nephew.
Have I been hiding for no reason? Have I been unnecessarily hovering over a quiet potters’ wheel or clicking knitting needles with a deep suspicion that the next moment holds disaster? Have I put it all on hold for nothing? Has superstition only led me to longer baths, more time to myself and more exercise?
Rational or not, I feel like I’ve completed my penance so let’s move on, shall we?
And hey, if I hadn’t been a hermit, would I have been able to make these little gems so quickly?